This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on October 12, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, Stop it.
Stop it you bad people. Thanks to stopping by. Happy Wednesday, everyone. So, we all remember that letter POLITICO published ahead of the 2020 election that dismissed the Hunter laptop story as Russian disinfo.
By the way, when I say we all remember, I obviously don’t include the president. The letter was crafted right after the New York Post had published a piece on the laptop, which Hunter had dropped off at a computer repair shop and then abandoned it like it was his child.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh.
GUTFELD: It’s true. He has — he has a baby with a stripper.
TYRUS MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Not that anything is wrong with that.
GUTFELD: No, not at all Tyrus.
All right. So, anyway, I know the feeling. My parents did that with me at the highway rest stops, and I made so many new friends. That joke makes no sense and I don’t care.
The hard drive contained tons of stuff concerning Biden’s business dealings, as well as all sorts of sordid or, in Kat’s view, romantic videos of Hunter doing drugs and hookers, and not always in that order.
But then, miraculously, this letter, signed by 50 odd Intel experts, appeared to save Joe’s day and boy did it.
The story was blacklisted by major media outlets and social media algorithms. You even mentioned it, you were mocked, scorned or suspended from tech platforms. I like getting suspended from things, but not tech platforms. You know what I mean?
The rest is history. Trump lost and now we have this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JILL BIDEN, FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES: You know, thank you for joining us as well. And for families across the country, you know this —
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Talking about that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh. Oh, God.
GUTFELD: This reminds me of those late-night commercials with sad dogs. Those are all stunt dogs, by the way. But in case he croaks, then we’re stuck with this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Remember Venn diagrams, those three circles.
Venn diagram? Venn diagram? Venn diagram? Venn diagram. I love Venn diagrams. I really love Venn diagrams. (INAUDIBLE) the circles, right? Three usually.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Her Venn diagram is stupid and really stupid. Since then, of course, the laptop story and the New York Post have been vindicated. But like Joe Biden’s sphincter, it was too late. I don’t even know what that means.
But we had to wonder, how did that let her come about? Why were so-called Intel experts so happy to dismiss something they didn’t bother to investigate?
Well, last night, Bret Baer, the host of “SPECIAL REPORT”, and also my personal masseuse, actually had one of the letter endorsers on his show, a former CIA officer. It was a great get for Bret, but only because Angela Lansbury was a no show.
R.I.P., but this was hilarious.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BRET BAIER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL ANCHOR: October days before the 2020 election, you signed on to this open letter that was published by POLITICO. It said, “We write to say that the arrival on the U.S. political scene of e-mails purportedly belonging to Vice President Biden’s son Hunter, much of it related to his time serving on the board of the Ukrainian gas company Burisma, has all the classic earmarks of a Russian information operation.”
DAVID PRIESS, FORMER OFFICER, CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY: Right.
BAIER: Why did you sign on to that?
PRIESS: Yes, because of what it says. It has all the classic earmarks of one of these operations. You’ll note elsewhere in the letter, if you read it, that it also says, we don’t know if this is a Russian operation at all.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So get this, it had all the classic earmarks, but it’s not like we said, it’s real because we don’t know, right?
OK. Since when do 50 members of intelligence suddenly put out an urgent letter saying, we don’t know? When does that ever happen?
Sorry, dude, 50 people don’t do anything urgently if they have misgivings.
I mean, they acted like they all got food poisoning from the same Chipotle and were racing to find a toilet. Otherwise, when people aren’t sure, or they’re ambivalent, what’s the rush? Where is the fire? You do nothing.
Baier points out that even though the agent claimed they didn’t know, Biden still used it exactly the way the agents had intended.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KRISTEN WELKER, WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT, NBC NEWS: Very quickly.
BIDEN: There are 50 former National Intelligence folks who said that what this, he’s accusing me of is a Russian plan.
DONALD TRUMP, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Do you mean the laptop is now another Russia, Russia, Russia hoax? You got to be —
(CROSSTALK)
BIDEN: That’s exactly what — That’s exactly what was told.
TRUMP: Is this where going? This is where he’s —
BAIER: Understanding how you characterize it —
PRIESS: Yes.
BAIER: But he characterized it differently and used it in the debate just days before an election.
PRIESS: Yes, I’ll let President Biden speak for himself. He’s capable of doing that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, he is? Give us — give us one example. That’s like saying, I’ll let Kermit the Frog speak for himself, after Jim Henson died.
Joe only speaks if you feed him the words like he did in this phony letter. But my favorite part is this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRIESS: People who study Russian disinformation —
BAIER: Yes.
PRIESS: Intelligence officers who look at Russian tactics over the long period of time, this is the kind of thing they like to amplify, to sow discord within target countries.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: You get that? It’s Russian disinformation, even though the information is true, because they amplify it. That’s like being caught in an affair and saying, yes, it’s true. But bringing it up makes it false, so, please don’t.
That’s what I use. But at least he didn’t keep repeating himself.
PRIESS: It has all the classic earmarks of a Russian campaign.
It has all the classic earmarks.
(CROSSTALK)
BAIER: It change the outcome of an —
PRIESS: This has all the classic earmarks of a Russian information campaign.
Has all the classic earmarks of a Russian information campaign.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It’s like he’s saying Beetlejuice, hoping that Lori Lightfoot arrives to rescue him. Then —
MURDOCH: Howard Stern’s beetlejuice —
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. Then he blames the media and anyone else he can find.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRIESS: In the way it was disseminated and propagated through media. It says —
BAIER: Even though it wasn’t true.
PRIESS: No.
BAIER: It had the classic earmarks, but it wasn’t true.
PRIESS: What is not true?
BAIER: That it was Russian disinformation.
PRIESS: That’s not what we said in the letter. Read the actual letter, and we said, we do not know if this is Russian disinformation. Right?
BAIER: It has all the classic earmarks of a Russian information operation.
PRIESS: Exactly. The difference between an information campaign, and a disinformation campaign, and a misinformation campaign —
(CROSSTALK)
BAIER: I understand, but the nuance that you’re talking about — the nuance did not get to candidate Joe Biden.
PRIESS: It’s not my fault if people don’t look up definitions.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I’m sorry. I was just looking up psychopath. So, it’s our fault that we don’t know the difference. Do you believe this guy once worked for an outfit that has the word intelligence in it?
You know, I’ll agree with him about the media, they ran with this letter, but not the laptop like it was the truth. Despite the laptop having endless videos of Hunter Biden’s butt and other things.
Look how blurry it is.
Check, check that — out. Go to a doctor. Anyway, but that’s exactly what they were expected to do, once a letter like this from 50 experts gave them the cover they needed. It gets worse.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BAIER: He said it plainly on a debate stage that obviously affected the dynamic, don’t you think?
PRIESS: Yes. I would absolutely love for all news media to show nuance on all of these issues instead of racing to sound bites.
GUTFELD: Dude, there were no sound bites. The facts were taken from the letter you co-wrote, which again you — was the plan all along. No one writes a letter to be ignored. Like the ones I get from Kilmeade’s lawyer all the time.
So, this is just a glimpse of who was involved in this fraud. Now, multiply this dimwit by 50. The ends justify the means, you can lie to the American people and there’s no consequences.
But that’s 50 reasons why you got to go vote and take control of the House, because every single signer of that letter needs to be questioned just like that. Like who asked them to do this? Were they paid? Did they deduct that contribution from their taxes?
But I credit this guy for at least showing his face in public. Something I wish Madonna would stop doing.
But bottom line, I didn’t know how to end this.
But, the fact is, we wouldn’t let this kind of crap slide in the workplace.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Listen, Jerry (PH), the reason we called you in here, we — I don’t understand why you’ve spent $950 on lap dances?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, I will admit, it had all the classic earmarks the lap dance.
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: But I don’t think we’ll —
(CROSSTALK)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Legal sent over video from fat Tony’s House of Hot Ladies. So, we know what happened. It’s true.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, that mean to find true, you know, like it’s true T.V. true? How about true detective? I mean you really think Matthew McConaughey was solving all those mysteries? I mean —
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Listen, just admit it happened and we can all move on.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What happened that night was, I was at the club, OK? And then, these two bouncers they come up to me, we start doing just shots left and right. I’m a third of the cup. They’re like, how many bills you got big boy? I’m like, I got bills full days, cash, money, cash money, and then they’re like, they’re offering me dances, they come up to me, they get it to my face, hop up on the table. They’re just drunk. They’re just drunk. They get all up in my face. They are giving me all the love.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In conclusion, it had all the classic earmarks of a lap dance.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You’re fired.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, like a — like an earmark of a firing?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Real firing.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Welcome —
ANNOUNCER: Period!
GUTFELD: — tonight’s guests.
She went from the NFL to giving lefties hell. Host of the Sideline Sanity podcast, Michele Tafoya.
He is known for his charity work providing jobs for Jamie Lissow. Score of the great new movie, Daddy Daughter Trip, Rob Schneider.
GUTFELD: Sees like a Twizzlers. Slim, sweet, and twisted. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf. And to him, the Grand Canyon is just an OK canyon. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.
Rob.
ROB SCHNEIDER, AMERICAN ACTOR, COMEDIAN, AND SCREENWRITER: Yes.
GUTFELD: Great to see you.
SCHNEIDER: Nice to see you. And I want Jamie Lissow back.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: You had him enough. Now, he’s come back, he’s wants more money.
GUTFELD: I know. I know.
SCHNEIDER: He’s been spoiler.
GUTFELD: He’s been very helpful. And what — the movie comes out next week?
SCHNEIDER: This weekend.
GUTFELD: This weekend?
SCHNEIDER: Friday, a daddy daughter trip?
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s now — it’s not an adult film.
SCHNEIDER: No, no. It’s —
GUTFELD: The daddy daughter thing is very popular on Pornhub.
MURDOCH: How do you know that?
GUTFELD: Nothing, I just read about it in a Wall Street Journal piece.
SCHNEIDER: Is this went south quick? He came on here to promote some movies.
TIMPF: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: How about ideas coming out in the Cinemark. Thank you for having me.
GUTFELD: Yes, awesome.
SCHNEIDER: And congrats. By the way, I want you to know that didn’t wait until you, you know, have the number one show before I appeared. But it just seemed to work out that way.
GUTFELD: I understand that wait to see if this monstrosity would sink or swim. And it’s swimming. Still swimming?
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
GUTFELD: That’s what I think swimming is.
SCHNEIDER: Congrats. Thank you.
GUTFELD: Good. Thank you. Can I keep doing this?
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
GUTFELD: This is make you uncomfortable?
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
GUTFELD: So, what do you make of this whole — whatever I just said? This laptop and the stupid letter.
SCHNEIDER: I’m just amazed, but I had the restraint and honor of those prostitutes not coming forward.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: It’s remarkable. I mean, if you — if you really have to hand it to them. Their integrity is more than the CIA guys. Seriously.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: That’s a great point. Because who’s talking — they’re not talking at all.
SCHNEIDER: They’re not come out.
GUTFELD: They are not coming —
SCHNEIDER: There was —
(CROSSTALK)
TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE) trustworthy.
GUTFELD: Well, they have to.
If you’re — if a hooker — if a hooker talks, then, she’s not a hooker.
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
GUTFELD: That’s my — that’s what my grandfather said.
TIMPF: That’s why out (INAUDIBLE) he’s here.
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
GUTFELD: Anyway, we should probably move on. You know, this went south quickly.
SCHNEIDER: Is this — yes.
MURDOCH: Well, you did expert. You did that great documentary studying pimp’s life.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
MURDOCH: He’s got — he’s got experience in that. He was a male gigolo for (INAUDIBLE).
GUTFELD: That’s right.
SCHNEIDER: That’s — I still get that yelled to me.
GUTFELD: That’s a huge bitch.
MURDOCH: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: I still get that —
GUTFELD: Michele?
MICHELE TAFOYA, HOST, SIDELINE SANITY: Yes.
GUTFELD: I apologize. Why are the guy just admit it was all B.S.? I think a reason he has a cover for the other guys.
TAFOYA: Well, here is the thing. Here is the sentence that gave them cover. They said we want to emphasize that we do not know if these e-mails are false, right?
They say that in there.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: But then they go along to say, but just that our experience makes us deeply suspicious that the Russian government played a significant role in this case. And so, there you go.
They, on the one hand, went out of their way, as you said, to label this letter, you know, 50 people talking about Russian disinformation, but we’re not saying that it is. But our deeply held beliefs, and by gosh, you should believe us because we have so much credibility.
It’s just ridiculous. I mean, though what we —
(CROSSTALK)
SCHNEIDER: No, I just said it’s like — it’s like on my wife’s driving. It’s like, honey, I didn’t say we were lost. They said we have all the earmarks that you went the wrong direction. (INAUDIBLE) the place.
TIMPF: Yes. Yes.
TAFOYA: Right. Right.
GUTFELD: It’s true.
So, Kat, what is your take on this?
TIMPF: It pisses me off.
GUTFELD: Right?
TIMPF: That guy can get on “SPECIAL REPORT” and I can’t.
GUTFELD: Yes.
You’re still going to hold that against Bret.
TIMPF: Well, did he do a good job?
GUTFELD: No, he didn’t.
TIMPF: No, it’s always — that’s why I am always really careful about like trusting these intelligence guys. Because they are able to get away with lying so much more easily. So, even really have to lie, there ever question, they’re like, oh, well that’s a lot of sensitive information.
So, they don’t have to explain it. Obviously, not — there’s some things that do need to kept — be kept secret. There are, you know, they’re obviously saying they’re always lying.
But just based on how human behavior works, these are the exact people you should be questioning. The more, you know, tools they have at their disposal to hide stuff.
SCHNEIDER: I wanted to tweet that at the time. 50 professional liars confirmed this is a lie.
TIMPF: Yes.
TAFOYA: Exactly.
GUTFELD: You know what, they all came from one part of the CIA. They weren’t — like they all worked for democrat administrations, I guess. So it was — they were — like, they didn’t ask specific — they didn’t just do a broad questionnaire.
MURDOCH: Why do we keep hearing new words invented for (BLEEP) earmarks?
TAFOYA: Earmarks.
MURDOCH: We’re all — we’re all just cool. It has all the earmarks.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: My follow-up question would have been, what’s an earmark? I’d love to know because my ears don’t leave marks. So I’m just curious. My fingers do because it says all the fingerprints of typical democrat (BLEEP) is what it comes out to be. Like you can say anything, any liar can say anything. And what he did was he said a bunch of nothing. Could have been, might not have been, not our fault, could have been our fault. Maybe not our fault but definitely our fault.
The president use it to help win an election. Not our fault.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: It has all the earmarks.
TAFOYA: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: So we need to take the word earmark away and they just — they basically said, we did it but we’re blaming it on Russia.
GUTFELD: Exactly. All right. Up next, Biden begs for oil from shakes while forcing Americans to pump the brakes.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Oh, hi. The White House said please don’t stop pumping until Democrats have stopped stomping. The Wall Street Journal, whatever that is, reports that Biden administration officials begged Saudi Arabia to delay a cut in oil production until days before the midterms. Now why in God’s name would they do that? Well, obviously reduce global oil supply means gas prices go up.
So, in order to keep Americans from feeling a hit to their wallet before they hit the voting booth, the Dems wanted to stop OPEC from cutting the oil supply. They just wanted to fool Americans until after they voted. Just like the mad scientist who reanimated Joe Biden. It’s true. Look it up. But the Saudis refused. The cut happened anyway on October 5th and so your gas is still over four bucks a gallon.
Pretty soon I’ll have to let my butler and my chauffeur go. But these are the kinds of details that the president probably thinks it shouldn’t matter. At least the New York Times thinks so. And who better to defend a liar? On Tuesday, they dropped a euphemism filled piece defending Biden’s lies as storytelling. And dissecting a bunch of nonsense tales Joe has told over the years which the authors even agree aren’t true.
They excuse it with phrases like yarns that often unravel, unable to break himself of the habit of embellishing narratives to weave a political identity. Folks see this can veer into folklore. The factual edges shaved off. Oh, wow. I haven’t seen that much lipstick on a pig since I took my pet to the prom. That’s better than going with your cousin, right, Kat? Well. Look at that look.
TIMPF: OK, yes. So we moved from the drug thing to incest.
GUTFELD: But anyway, the New York Times writers as a favor, we fix the headline of the story for you. It’s now, the president’s brain is missing. And since we’re always fair and balanced. We asked the president for comments.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No, no, no, no, it’s no stories, man. It’s the fact check. I was the only white lifeguard in all black pool. Then I taught basketball to black kids. He called me the white shadow. And then I took out Apollo Creed in three rounds then I taught jazz dance at an inner city high school. I used to tell him, you want fame? It’s where you pay for it. In sweat.
Where am I?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Rob, you don’t see that kind of talent on SNL anymore.
SCHNEIDER: Very limber for his age.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: Surprisingly limber. You know, it’s like we have the oil — it feels like the Jerry Seinfeld joke. The Oil is right here. You don’t have to go, it’s right here. It’s like when you’re looking around the house for the phone everywhere and you’re on it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: You’re already on it. I got it right here.
GUTFELD: It’s true, Michelle. Kind of pisses me off. This is like the Hunter Biden story. They — they’re basically trying to delay bad news. So, it won’t effect an election. It’s like a replay.
TAFOYA: There’s no question. I also feel like we’re being conditioned right now. Like if they keep the price really high. Now granted, they want to try to bring it down before the midterms, but it’s over four or $5.00 in some places, so that we will feel good about when it’s 382.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: I mean, what was it when we he came into office? Two something. But now if it gets down to 399 we’re supposed to feel good about that because it’s not above five right now. I feel like we’re being conditioned. I really do. But he has this weird way of fiddling about things. Have you noticed sometimes the last one question, Mr. President, should we be concerned — Americans be concerned about inflation? No. Like he immediately goes no.
SCHNEIDER: Slight — sorry, slight inflation.
TAFOYA: And then he say, you know, are we going to have you saying you’re going to have boots on the ground in Taiwan? Yes. And then they — everyone then they spent all this time cleaning it up, cleaning it up. I don’t believe a word the man says.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: I really — honestly it’s so sad.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is. You know. Tyrus, what — is this some — should there be a hearing? I mean, democrats love hearings. Shouldn’t it be a hearing if —
MURDOCH: He’s not going to hear it. I mean, what they described, and I can — is like the worst grandfather bed storyteller ever.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: He embellish, he goes off the book. It’s supposed to be Goldilocks and the Three Bears. And it turns into a weird fishing trip with him and the uncle that the kids didn’t ask for. Like everything he does turns out bad. Like today on Tyrus and Timpf podcast, Timpf put on a rant because like, everything he’s done is bad. Like — and when he says something solved, it’s like, in that moment, like the big railroad strike, got it. Nope. It’s back on. So —
GUTFELD: Everything falls apart.
MURDOCH: Everything falls apart. It literally last during the commercial break.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: That’s how long you have when he tells you something’s done.
GUTFELD: Yes. It was the same thing with COVID. It’s the same thing with inflation. It’s the same thing with crime.
MURDOCH: Scotch. It’s scotch of inflation.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Yes. There was just a little bit of a went up like that, the little charge.
TAFOYA: Smidgens.
GUTFELD: Smidgens.
MURDOCH: Inflation is on top of mind right now.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: On top of mind.
TAFOYA: Exactly.
GUTFELD: Kat, what did you rant about? Would you care to share?
TIMPF: Too many things.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Not at the time. I mean, the New York Times article about his lying actually reminded me how many lies that he’s told that we forgot about, like when he said that his house burned down with his wife in it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE) and everybody just sits there. You know, like if I’m there, and he says, OK, my house burned down with my wife. And I’d be like, really? Well, she looks great. Like a smoldering pile of ash. Like — but the piece actually explained why he keeps getting away with it, not on the way that it intended to. But by the fact that it did say, oh, you know, spinning these yarns. He’s like your grandpa telling stories because there’s no consequences for the fact that he just says insane (BLEEP) all the time.
TAFOYA: Yes.
TIMPF: I mean, since we’ve been filming this, he — some clips out saying that his son died in Iraq.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: That’s not true. And it’s Stolen Valor. Like (INAUDIBLE) Biden. It’s crazy Joe.
GUTFELD: Well, the other thing too is he used the fact checkers.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Remember, like fact checkers were full on full employment during Trump. CNN had a guy, you know, Dan Dale, I think his name was constantly fact checking. They all — they all went on hiatus.
SCHNEIDER: No, it’s like your grandfather. It’s like, you know, remember when your grandfather pushed us into a nuclear war? Remember those days?
TIMPF: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: Just go back to that.
GUTFELD: All right. We got to move on. Up next, will you perish in pain if you travel by train?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Hello. Welcome back. Should Gotham workers be commuting where criminals are shooting. It’s sad but true. A big apple subway ride comes with a chance a of homicide. NYPD data shows subway murders have skyrocketed to the highest levels in 25 years. Turns out taking the subway is now more dangerous than directing a movie starring Alec Baldwin.
According to The Post — sorry — killings since 2020, or more than all the murders from 2008 to 2019 combined, but try explaining that to CNN Idiot in Chief, Errol Louis, he sarcastically tweeted: “Going home on the violent NYC subways. Riders paralyzed with fright.” And he paired it with cell phone video of a tranquil subway station and the sweet stylings of a jazz trumpet player.
If you close your eyes, you feel like you’re in the roaring 20s. Just ignore the corpse in the corner, which is what the White House staffers do around Joe. But Errol is so clueless he thinks a jazz trumpet player makes the subway attractive. Even I want to murder a jazz trumpet player. So, this dolt who calls himself a journalist takes one trip and doesn’t witness a murder.
And so, that’s proof of safety. That’s like going outside at night and thinking, wow, the sun must be broken. It’s like visiting Tijuana on the donkey’s day off and thinking it’s a family friendly place. I don’t know what that means. But lazy anecdotal observations about public safety to right off the rise in crime. That is nothing new. Remember this classic?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DON LEMON, CNN HOST: If you watch a certain state TV and you listen to conservative media, you would think that you know entire cities are just you know, brawled in fights, and fires, and whatever. We went out and had a great dinner in New York City tonight.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Well, he has plenty of time to go to dinner now. Terrible. So, Kat, Kat, as a journalist, you’ve been a journalist for many years, doesn’t it piss you off when people just do stuff like that? Like, oh, I’m going to film this and that means there’s no crime. Or they’ll say, oh, looks good around here or like there’s no sexual harassment here because I wasn’t sexually harassed. It’s, it’s anecdotal journalism that just is insane.
KAT: Right? Yes, statistics prove otherwise. And what else proves otherwise to me that the subways gotten really, really, really, really disgusting.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Is that people are actually complaining about it. Because like, the standard of behavior on the subway was never that high.
GUTFELD: Right. Yes.
TIMPF: It never had like a luxury ambiance. Like, before all this happened — I mean, I see disgusting stuff. I saw somebody like take their pants off and poop on the floor, put their pants up, but that was like not a normal day.
GUTFELD: Well, I was just in that —
TIMPF: Yes, yes.
GUTFELD: Subway at the time.
TIMPF: But nobody, people had very low expectations of what a subway ride was going to look like.
GUTFELD: So, it’s got to be really —
TIMPF: It’s got to be really bad to be like this is a little too much for me.
GUTFELD: Yes. Do you ever take the subway when you’re here?
MURDOCH: No.
GUTFELD: Yes, that says a lot because you’re the — you would have no, they couldn’t push you in front of a train.
MURDOCH: First of all, I hate ducking into things.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: You know, and then I got to be ducked in there, and then there’s not enough room for me to throw somebody in there. So, it’s like, I’d throw the guy, he’d bounce right back on me. It’d be like, damn it, I just threw him. Then, he’s right back there. And you know, I have to wait for it to open.
GUTFELD: Sounds like a sport.
MURDOCH: It could be. It could be, but — yes.
GUTFELD: Love tossing.
MURDOCH: There’d be no love involved at all. The love would be stopping but it just. It’s like, if I went out to the Serengeti on a Wednesday afternoon at 12 and turn my phone on, and it was nothing out there. There’s (BLEEP) no lions. There’s nothing out here. And then the guy goes look behind you. You know what I’m saying? Like, wait a while, bro.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: And if he panned around him, I’m sure he was surrounded. He made sure you had enough people to be safe to go out there. I’m sure it was: Let’s take a shot. Let me step over this homeless guy. Let me go around this guy. Oh, this scene is great.
GUTFELD: Yes, this —
MURDOCH: To push that everything’s fine. Cool, then, let’s take it a next step further. Why don’t you do a special will you spend five days in that spot? And let’s see what happens.
GUTFELD: Exactly. It’s basically just propaganda, Michelle.
MURDOCH: Just be like a hunt for Bigfoot, right?
GUTFELD: Yes. Nothing’s going to happen.
TAFOYA: I’ve been thinking really hard about why people do this. Like, why they want things to appear better than they actually are. And then, I concluded it’s only when it suits their agenda. So, COVID, I’m going to wear three masks, but there was no — it was peaceful protests out there, you know.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: There no, you know — that looting and rioting, that’s the voice of the, you know, of the oppressed. And it’s like, wait a minute, that was looting, or slavery was the biggest stain on America, which it was. But I’m going to ignore the slavery in China because I need some cheap jeans. You know? So, I just, I get the sense that all of this is politically driven. And I’m so glad you brought the dumb, Don Lemon clip back because this is like a little micro —
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: Don Lemon moment. It absolutely is.
GUTFELD: Exactly. Exactly. People don’t remember. If people, like he was trashing us for covering crime. Two years ago, a year ago, I don’t know, I can’t remember when. But it was like, and he’s, it’s amazing. If he had actually listened to us, maybe you could have covered this stuff and some lives could have been saved. I have to ask you because you, you were SNL in the 90s do you feel like it’s changed here in New York?
SCHNEIDER: First of all, I have to tell you. I was very nostalgic. I was walking around Times Square and it felt like the early 90s because everywhere I went, I felt like I was about to get murdered. You know, it’s a nice feeling. Wow, I remember that you know.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: It’s like when you see Anderson Cooper and he’s in, you know, he’s reporting on the on the flood or whatever and you pull back, somebody takes a snapshot and like camera runs dry.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Yes.
SCHNEIDER: But it was a nice feeling walk around last night.
GUTFELD: Yes, do you think, it would, do you think, yes — you’re not taking the subway?
SCHNEIDER: No, no.
GUTFELD: Of course not. Jamie Lissow just carries you from place to place.
SCHNEIDER: No, but three bucks is still, I mean for, for a murder rate three bucks, you’re not paying a lot to get murdered, you know what I mean?
GUTFELD: That’s true.
SCHNEIDER: That’s pretty, that’s a pretty good deal. Grab that.
GUTFELD: Yes. There you.
MURDOCH: Sale.
GUTFELD: Bring somebody you don’t like and hope — that’s how you, that’s how you off somebody.
TAFOYA: Exactly.
GUTFELD: What are you doing later, Kat? That’s a joke. That’s a joke. We got to move on.
TIMPF: They loved it.
GUTFELD: Coming up he rock sexy boots and tights, but even gay Superman couldn’t reach new heights.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Welcome back. They said up, up and away with Superman being gay. D.C. Comics announced that it has canceled its bisexual Superman comic due to extremely low sales. The only thing lower than Superman sales is his tolerance for bad interior design. The series called “Superman: Son of Kalel” lasted just 18 issues, earning the title the CNN-Plus of comic books.
I don’t even know what I’m saying. But if we can learn anything from the flop, it would be that comic book readers aren’t necessarily gay, just because none of them have ever spoken to a woman.
SCHNEIDER: I like that one.
GUTFELD: The series featured a lot of left-wing themes, including the predictable battle against climate change. Sadly, there’s no mention of what he’s doing to avoid monkey pox. I don’t even know what that means. Why do I keep saying that? I know what it means. In the end, it seems that gay Superman was defeated not by homophobia, but by reality. So, maybe, instead of changing an icon to fit today’s woke values, why not just invent one of your own? That’s what I did with my brand-new comic book, Adventures of Super Poo. People, people — yes, people shout: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. Oh, no, get some toilet paper. And in the first episode, he destroys Johnny Depp’s bed.
MURDOCH: It got legs. It got legs.
GUTFELD: I’m telling you, this is going to happen, Michelle. Was this due to homophobia?
TAFOYA: No. No, no, no, like you said, there were so many, you know, woke concepts in this comic strip book, whatever you call it. So, I think that the whole thing was just stop lecturing us, stop telling us how to think and all of that. You know, there are a lot of products Greg have flopped.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: Do you remember satis-fries?
GUTFELD: No.
TAFOYA: It was Burger King, satis-fries, and they were supposed to be a healthier version of French fries. But when it, when it came down to it, people want unhealthy, greasy, salty, French fries. They don’t want satis- fries. They don’t want smokeless tobacco. They want to spit and cough, you know?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TAFOYA: So, I mean apply that to the, to the —
SCHNEIDER: Yes.
TAFOYA: — to the comic book however you see fit.
SCHNEIDER: Spit and cough, that’s a good one.
GUTFELD: Spit and cough, yes.
SCHNEIDER: Spit and cough.
GUTFELD: That’s something I like to do. You know, Rob, this is, you know what’s, what’s interesting about this? It’s when, it’s like companies don’t get it, when the woke demand that you change, it’s not going to get them to buy anything the woke won’t buy — they don’t buy anything. They just wanted to demand that you change, so then you sell out your fans to appease the woke but the woke doesn’t replace your fans.
SCHNEIDER: Yes, I’m still getting over the fact that they’re saying like the first Superman wasn’t gay.
GUTFELD: Gay.
SCHNEIDER: I think, I see way too much, way too much of his balls for him not to be —
GUTFELD: Exactly.
SCHNEIDER: Yes, but I just — but gay Superman, the, the two jokes right there, you know.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: His kryptonite is a vagina. That was a lot.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: That was right there. That was right there.
GUTFELD: You know what, you must mistake this show for being lowbrow. We are extremely sophisticated, right Tyrus?
MURDOCH: Yes. Oh, yes.
GUTFELD: Tyrus, I saw you wince because I mispronounced something in Superman.
MURDOCH: Well, it’s all, it’s all good.
GUTFELD: You sure? He was upset.
MURDOCH: It’s all good. So, I did this movie called “Super-Con,” and my character was this big mean guy who was like doing the bidding for Mike Epps. And the director in the middle of it got a great idea. He’s like, let’s make you gay. I said sure, what am I doing different?
GUTFELD: Nice.
MURDOCH: That’s what they — so, the rest of the movie, guess what, I was gay.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I still died the same.
GUTFELD: Yes. That was it.
MURDOCH: Maybe, I would have a nicer funeral, but we didn’t see that. That’s the point. If you want — everyone knows Green Lantern is gay. Batman and Robin, for real?
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Oh, come on. We didn’t need to care.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: You can make a character awesome and great, and at some point, he’s gay, nobody will care. But when you shove it down people’s throats, even gay people are like, I’m what? That doesn’t define me.
GUTFELD: That’s what happened to most.
MURDOCH: Most of my, my gay friends, one of my close friends who designs on my wrestling gear and stuff, he gets so upset because when you meet him — it was, oh, this is my friend, he’s gay. That’s like someone’s like, oh, this is Tyrus, he’s black. What? What about I’m a Pisces? Or I like pizza? Like is there anything else about me? And so, that’s where they missed. And the best part of this story is the guy who was on board said I’m out, I’m leaving, they said go on get — he wrote a, a spike comic book that got 36 million, opposed to their 18,000.
GUTFELD: Wow!
MURDOCH: So, yes. Oh, yes. The woke, there is no woke. That’s what we need to do. Their, their numbers are seven or eight.
GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I’m interested in what you think of Super Poo? Because it’s going to be — Super Poo is going to need like a lady friend. Like a, like a Lady Poo. Lady Poo. That’s a little smaller poo. Dainty, it’s a dainty poo.
TIMPF: Everything I’ve done in my life has led me up to this moment.
GUTFELD: Teepee girl.
TIMPF: I’m so glad I went to college. This is — whatever.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I think it’s –I don’t know. Maybe it’s a better idea than this.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Also, I don’t know. I think it’s great to have a bisexual superhero.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: That way they’re really versatile when I invite them to my orgies. Nobody cares. This whole cartoon was also like, he was wearing a mask.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And it was like, nobody’s reading a comic books. They want to be preached at. Like reading a comic book, your life’s already bad enough.
GUTFELD: Yes. By the way, I mean, you mean mask as a COVID mask. I mean, that is just like —
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Again, it’s injecting a political mess. And, you know, masks shouldn’t be political. All right, we got to move on. Up next, would you mortgage your house to buy pants from Levi Strauss.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: “A STORY IN FIVE WORDS.”
GUTFELD: Story in five words: These jeans cost 76-grand. Michelle, a 23- year-old vintage clothing dealer just bought a pair of Levi’s from the 1880s for 76-grand. What are your thoughts?
TAFOYA: The best part of this story is right here. This 23-year-old, whatever, put up 90 percent of the winning bid while the remaining was kicked in by Zip Stevenson and elder statesman of the vintage market. Zip Stevenson.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: I know him.
TAFOYA: You do —
SCHNEIDER: I do.
TAFOYA: You don’t zip Levi’s.
SCHNEIDER: I do, he’s a Levi’s jeans collector.
TIMPF: You didn’t see that one coming?
TAFOYA: I didn’t see — Zip, you get it? The other button flies. You don’t zip and the guy, the bottom was being zipped.
GUTFELD: Zippers weren’t invented — a lot of people don’t know this, zippers weren’t invented until the 1990s.
SCHNEIDER: You want to hear a story about it. That’s true. There used to be. You, you, there was a — they used to have one little —
GUTFELD: Don’t point to your crotch.
SCHNEIDER: There used to be a little, a little thing like here. The Levi’s Strauss, he’s got one right there. What do they call it a rivet?
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: Until his grandson went to a campfire one day and then stood up, no more rivets. That was it.
GUTFELD: Look it up, people. That was riveting. Thank you. You know, Kat, here’s the question that I want to ask you because I think you will answer this. They found that jeans abandoned in a coal mine.
TIMPF: I know.
GUTFELD: Why would somebody abandon their jeans, because they pooped in them. Who takes up their jeans at work? They’re not having to orgies in the coal mine.
TAFOYA: How do you know?
GUTFELD: Clearly, this jean has 200 Euro feces in it.
TIMPF: You thought I would love to be asked that question?
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHNEIDER: She’s getting a lot of, getting a lot of poop questions.
TIMPF: You know me for how long? Geez. OK, maybe a minor (BLEEP) pants. What do you want?
GUTFELD: Thank you. All right. Tyrus?
TIMPF: I do wonder what happened but I did write that down. My mind didn’t go there. They were found in a mine what happened there?
SCHNEIDER: No, sometimes you know when you find a big chunk of gold you take these babies right down, I’m taking this out of here.
GUTFELD: Last word Tyrus. Can you talk, shoving gold up your ass? That was a question in on “SPECIAL REPORT tonight. Should we walk away?
MURDOCH: I’m going to walk away, Greg. I would just say for the record, I’m carrying Zip Zippy, whatever you want to call it. I’m not paying $76,000 for a pair of pants for somebody who was genetically shorter than everybody else. He lost his pants because when the mind blew up and he was dead, it was the only thing of value they didn’t steal off him.
GUTFELD: That makes total sense.
MURDOCH: They ate him.
GUTFELD: They —
MURDOCH: The mind. Did you? It was key a key they dug it out of a mind. He was the slowest weakest guy in the group. They ate him and used his genes for comfort.
GUTFELD: And on that note, we’ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Out of time. Thank you, Rob Schneider, see his movie! Great Michelle Tafoya, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with Dreamy Trace Gallagher is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.
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