This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on October 11, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: We moved along. I mean, there’s so much has been accomplished.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
LAURA INGRAHAM, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: So much has been accomplished, but I need the cards to remember it all. That’s it for us tonight. Greg Gutfeld takes it off from here. We watched so you didn’t have to.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Here we go. All you’re in for a treat. You are in for a treat. Happy Tuesday. Yeah, it’s October 11th, 2022. Which means it’s time for.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: If it happens up there, we report down here. You’re watching Gazoombagate Canada 2023. Week four.
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GUTFELD: As you know, we’re the only show that keeps diligent tabs on the Ontario transgender teacher with the oversized prosthetic breasts and saucer sized nipples. I’m not sure what that says about us. But we’re just trying to keep you abreast, a recap.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: She was once a he began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class.
Is it all along troll? Or was it just a mistake converting bra size from inches to metric?
One thing is for sure if there’s a shop class that requires protective goggles, this is it.
It’s the story of the shop class teacher who’s wearing super jumbo never existed in reality prosthetic breasts the class.
In the unlikely event of a water emergency landing. Your shop teacher can be used as a flotation device.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Now none of that appeared on Special Report. Here it’s because Brett’s more of a leg man. So welcome to Canada where you can’t spill identity without tittie. His nipples are so pointy you think one pump diesel and the other unleaded. Hey Canada, throw a well cap on those before someone gets hurt. I’m sorry. We’re trying to tackle this topic with some measure of professionalism. And that measure is 68 triple D.
But I apologize if we’ve got you seeing double. So what’s happened since our last report? Actually not a lot. There’s still no interview with the teacher. I mean, you think she’d want to get this off her chest? Even I hate that one. Granted. News travels slow from a third-world country like Canada. But we still don’t know if this is indeed a real thing. A prank or a prank gone wrong. True. It could very well be his Kat predicted a game of chicken.
And if it is chicken, Colonel Sanders would marvel at the size of those breasts. I feel dirty. But it could be — it could be a teacher sick of the woke B.S. decided to see how far he or she could push it. And the school in response said sure we’ll play along, buddy. Now the teacher is stuck wearing fake breasts the size of Minneapolis and St. Paul for the rest of his or her life. Yes. I’ve heard a tit for tat but in this case her cup runneth over.
Part of me is dying inside. Can you see it? But there might be a bigger reason why no one’s talking and not because they were motorboat it into silence. It’s that even mentioning the teacher’s clothing is discrimination. So everyone plays it safe, avoiding truth and instead only expressing support for people of all gender identities and expressions, because anything else could get you sued.
One expert points out, discrimination may even occur when addressing, just addressing, the matter. The Ontario Human Rights Tribunal, which has broad powers, especially over this broad, can award damages based on injury to dignity, self-respect and even feelings. But nothing about lower back pain. But it’s good to see free speech is alive and well in the People’s Republic of Trudeau.
But all of this feels a little scammy. And if you don’t believe me, well, let’s follow the money. Well, Planned Parenthood ran a recent video promoting the use of puberty blockers for children who might experience gender confusion.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: If you’re transgender or non-binary, you may find that your puberty experiences don’t line up with your gender identity or how you see yourself. That feeling can be uncomfortable, scary and stressful. If that sounds like you, know that you’re not alone. There are medicines you can take to delay puberty for a while. They’re called puberty blockers.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So Planned Parenthood can’t get you in the womb, but get you when you get out. But I guess as abortions declined, they had to diversify. Meanwhile, a Harvard hospital which performs what they call gender affirmation surgery contends that babies can know they’re transgender in the womb even the dumb ones who end up going to Yale.
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UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Most of the patients that we have in the GeMs clinic actually know their gender usually around the age of puberty, but a good portion of children do know as early as seemingly from the womb and they will usually express their gender identity as very young children, some as soon as they can talk. Kids know very, very early.
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GUTFELD: First of all, never trust a doctor who talks like a 15-year-old valley girl. Second, how do you know they know? Did you look at a sonogram and see a fetus pointing to his penis and shaking his head no? This broad should lose her job. Meanwhile, Vanderbilt University just suspended trans surgeries for kids after the department head boasts of it being a cash cow saying “these surgeries make a lot of money charging female to male chest reconstruction at 40 grand, while a patient on hormones could rake in thousands.”
She adds, gender reassignment surgeries could support an entire clinic offering up to 100 grand for the hospital. No wonder you find gender reassignment centers sponsoring Halloween parties for children. That should make for a confusing Halloween night. And who are you supposed to be a little boy? Well, this isn’t a costume, bitch and these are (BLEEP) real. Now hand over the twigs.
So, it’s not just about identity, it’s about profit. Create the idea that there’s a problem then offer the solution and incentivize doctors to find patients. Now of course there are legit trans, but this explosion in gender precariousness suggests something else. Rather than seriously addressing people with dysphoria, it’s not just a money making fad with permanent repercussions.
And for every healthy organ removed, a doctor gets new earplugs. The kids don’t stand a chance, especially when they see the attention they get from this. That’s a payoff too. An activist and therapists cultivate the validation. Before you know it, parents are sucked into a consequential crisis. The kids are literally scarred for life. And no parent actually believes their healthy child needs to have their genitals removed.
Well, my dad did once when I spilled paint in the garage. But it’s such an insane thought that these specialists have to overwhelm them with fear that you’re not affirming your child. And so everybody keeps a tight lip and don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the male inmates and female jails or male athletes winning female sports. And please don’t bring up the teacher with giant boobs.
But if — hey, if you can’t tell male from female anymore, what else can they get you to believe? I think in the end we’re going to remember this moment as a pretty important one. I know I’m definitely going to look back at this. Just a see how I used to look as a male.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She’s the slap who won’t take any crap. Former White House strategic community communications director Mercedes Schlapp. He does physical therapy at Jiffy Lube. Retired Marine Corps, bomb technician Johnny Joey Jones. She’s so bony her elbow has an elbow. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. You can’t walk a mile in his shoes but you can use them for sheltering in place. My massive sidekick and the NWA world television champion, Tyrus.
Joey, have you been on the show when we’ve covered this before? I can’t remember. This is the first time?
JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: This is my first time. I’m honored to be here to talk about this memory calamity.
GUTFELD: Memory calamity. Very good. It’s such an — it’s — we’ve — -this is the fourth time we’ve covered this story. And I don’t know if we’re making any progress. But I’m like, amazing. Nobody’s — so I — like nobody’s interviewing this person to find out if this is real, because if it is real, then it’s somebody with a serious psychological problem. If it’s not real, then it’s an amazing prank. But why– but everybody’s too scared to say anything.
JONES: I’m going to treat it like it’s real. And it’s crazy. And listen, I won’t so much to be mad at this person.
GUTFELD: You can’t be.
JONES: But I kind of got to get — as a guy who makes things out of wood.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: And a guy who has lost limbs in life like I’m scared to death when I hit my — when I hit my miter saw or anything with a saw and he’s just out there just wheeling and dealing with those things.
GUTFELD: She — let me — she is up there.
JONES: Identify as a person who sees that person as a man.
GUTFELD: OK. OK.
JONES: I apologize.
GUTFELD: It’s the woodworking.
JONES: But it —
GUTFELD: But is amazing doing wood —
JONES: Yes.
GUTFELD: It is amazing that that she has a woodworking job and that she’s – – this can’t be safe, right?
JONES: Well, you can’t show kids how to do it safely with two giant fake (BLEEP) wallowing around like I’m sorry but it’s just an unsafe thing to do and if — I’m sorry but if that’s how you identify you got the wrong job because we have dress codes in high schools because kids’ hormones are raging so much that they can’t control it sometimes. So we have dress codes, kind of calm things down, not have distractions. And you roll up into a high school shop class like that. You’re an absolute child abuser.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. I still believe, Mercedes, maybe it’s a dream that I have that this person is a genius. And this is the longest con ever. And then the school is like, OK, Kat said the last time we did the show. They’re just going with it.
MERCEDES SCHLAPP, FORMER WHITE HOUSE STRATEGIC COMMUNITY COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR: Greg, I’m really concerned you’re obsessed about this topic. In fact —
GUTFELD: I wasn’t —
(CROSSTALK)
SCHLAPP: The last time I was on this show we did talk about (INAUDIBLE) so I remember this. I really think that you should think about this as a documentary series. I mean, take it on the road, show up to the school and ask for an interview and say, where did you get those ginormous prosthetic boobs? Because I don’t think you can order — can you order those online?
GUTFELD: That’s a great question. Those had to be —
SCHLAPP: And they should have a warning that says don’t get near any machinery.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You’re going to have any nipple flying in the air.
SCHLAPP: Exactly. I mean, you have to wonder if they have water in them. Do you imagine? That could be —
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: That would be like 200 pounds.
(CROSSTALK)
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: — on the way so we’ll find out.
GUTFELD: Yes. But, you know, I’m too lazy to do any investigative journalism. I thought maybe if I can —
(CROSSTALK)
SCHLAPP: Kat would be a perfect.
TIMPF: I’ll do it.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) would you do this?
SCHLAPP: Yes.
GUTFELD: Would you go? I’ll give you time off at work.
TIMPF: Yes.
SCHLAPP: It is work.
TIMPF: I don’t think that’s time off. If it was off I’d choose another activity.
GUTFELD: That’s true. You can be — you should go there. Have you ever been a Canada? I hear it’s nice.
TIMPF: Yes. I’m from Detroit. It’s like pretty close.
GUTFELD: It’s in another country.
TIMPF: You can even go there accidentally.
GUTFELD: Yes. Have you — have your thoughts about this evolved at all?
TIMPF: People don’t want to talk about any of this stuff.
GUTFELD: I do.
TIMPF: You do.
GUTFELD: Exploiting my show for this.
TIMPF: I get it. And it’s such a highbrow show. So I understand.
GUTFELD: Yes (INAUDIBLE) this stuff we bumped.
TIMPF: Yes, exactly. But all of this stuff, even if you just take like the trans angle out of it. You can see how truly strange some of this stuff is like the advertisement for the puberty blockers. When do you ever see any kind of drug ever marketed to kids? Like even children’s Benadryl is not like hey, kids, you want to not out tonight like it’s not?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: It’s — or the hospital thing, like top bragging how much money these surgeries are making. Imagine if any other surgery, any other hospital like, you know, these, you know, toddler heart surgeries are raking in the dough. You put a sundae bar in the cafeteria. People would be openly outraged about it. But because nobody wants to talk about any aspect of this issue ever this kind of stuff can happen. And no one says anything.
JONES: They didn’t — they didn’t use their money for the football team. I’ll tell you.
GUTFELD: Well —
TIMPF: I don’t understand sports.
JONES: I know. Somebody at home does.
GUTFELD: That’s true. So it’s funny because Kat’s right. It’s like, if you were to — if you had a child that that expressed a different gender characteristics, and you sent them to Exodus, which is that the place that make that dehomosexualizes you, you may consider it a bigot. But here’s surgery is OK.
TYRUS MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, of course, it’s OK with them.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: It’s not OK with the families because otherwise they wouldn’t have to do commercials directed at the kids. They would just be at the doctor’s appointment and they would tell mom and dad here were some options if you’re seeing these things. But that’s not what this is really about and this is, you know, you — first when I first heard this story, I thought was he a good teacher. And then the magic word is discrimination.
Everyone’s complaining about — discrimination is a good thing sometimes. If you want to — no —
GUTFELD: That’s true.
MURDOCH: if you want to have giant breasts, you go to town, but still, you need to be covered up appropriately.
JONES: Yes.
MURDOCH: The thing I missed the first time was — and I got a — one fan sent me something, they said, the nipples are the issue with them. It wasn’t how it was — that he wanted to have breasts, good for him, get yours, whatever. It was the fact that he had to take it to the next level. In terms of you’re a teacher, there’s decorum. No, if that was a normal, a regular, organic woman went to school like that in a miniskirt with her nipples out she would be in the principal’s office.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
MURDOCH: And sent home.
GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE)
MURDOCH: If the male coach decided he wanted to show everybody off his inseam with super tight pants because he would be fired.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: He would be called something. And we’re seeing the same thing with what this — we’re seeing with this gender stuff is the individual is pushing their beliefs on — I want to normalize myself, I don’t want to fix myself. So I want to push myself on other people. And that’s what we’re seeing with a lot of these issues. The teachers who always spearheading these movements, you look at them and it’s their thing, like puberty was rough for me because I had my issues.
So we’re going to take it away. So you don’t have to deal with change or struggle because I failed at it, so I’m going to push it on you because I don’t want to go through puberty. I don’t want acne. So I’m going to take drugs to slow me down. No one has ever condone anything like that. So that’s what the issue. That’s what we’re seeing the numbers up because they’re trying to create their own little world.
GUTFELD: Interesting. All right. Yes. All right. Clap away. Up next, Liz Warren sends a pandering tweet while Philly schools canceled trick of treat.
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GUTFELD: Welcome back. Liz Warren keeps it creepy tweeting nonsense from her teepee. That’s good. People like rhymes. Through the internet groans despite Liz Warren’s high cheekbones. I speak of Massachusetts senator and Cherokee Nation icon Liz Warren. Here she is throwing an axe. Or I should have said Tomahawk.
MURDOCH: You did, but thank you for recognizing.
GUTFELD: Yes. On Monday she tweeted this dozy on indigenous people day — people’s day. We celebrate the contributions, the extraordinary resilience and the rich cultures of tribal nations and native communities. Today and every day the federal government was recommit itself to honoring its promises to native peoples. I haven’t seen a tweet that bad since Rachel Dolezal wished us a happy Black History Month.
Where is she? Warren of course falsely claimed Native American heritage a few years ago, even though our blood tests came back as mayonnaise. Still, this human bumper sticker thinks she’s qualified to go all in for Indigenous People’s Day which has replaced Columbus Day in some cities that don’t have casinos. And more could be on the way. While the Columbus Day Parade went on as usual in New York on Monday.
Two Democrat lawmakers introduced a bill to erase it as a state holiday and replace it with Indigenous People’s Day. And now even Halloween fun is toasted Philly, the birthplace of punching. One school district has canceled its annual Halloween parades for not being inclusive enough. That’s the problem in Philly. Holy crap. Apparently it was a problem because not everyone celebrates Halloween.
And those kids have had to sit in the library during past parades, which is cruel considering they haven’t been taught to read. But since it’s Philly, the kids are still allowed to wear masks when they robbed convenience stores. So Liz, anything more to add?
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TIMPF: I stand by my words. OK? I’m not the type of person to give you something and then take it back. It’s been many moons since my failed presidential campaign. When I bravely battled fellow women of color, Tulsi Gabbard and Beto O’Rourke. All Americans deserve a pop on the pipe of pace. You don’t need a reservation. Now, I got to go. I’m off to the optometrists for my vision quest. OK (INAUDIBLE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right, Mercedes. Why is the left so obsessed with changing things? Right? They’re just — they got to change the Columbus Day?
SCHLAPP: That’s a very broad question.
GUTFELD: It is. That’s true. I actually said that about the A block.
SCHLAPP: Exactly.
GUTFELD: Changing things literally. All right. What’s your answer?
SCHLAPP: Well, first, I believe Dr. Fauci is the one that’s in charge of the Halloween parade in Philadelphia because he doesn’t want it to happen. They don’t want this Halloween parade. I mean, give me a break. These poor kids, they have suffered enough. They’ve had enough mental health issues. They’re having issues in school. And on top of that, you’re going to take away Halloween?
I mean, we’ve — they’ve already taken away Christmas and Thanksgiving under the Fauci rule. Let the kids be kids. Let’s go back to the time when, you know, it was a joyful time and period to get together with your friends. Dress however you want to dress and go get candy and they’ve made everything into a political fight, a political division and it’s just an outrage. And Elizabeth Warren, I just want to say one thing.
She should just claim that she is — now that you can identify anything.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Yes, you can.
SCHLAPP: You can identify as anything.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHLAPP: Become an Italian-American and support Columbus Day.
GUTFELD: There you go.
SCHLAPP: That’s what I would do.
GUTFELD: She’d be a terrible Italian. I don’t think she can cook.
SCHLAPP: No way.
GUTFELD: Tyrus.
SCHLAPP: She can drink beer though.
GUTFELD: Yes. She can only open the bottle.
MURDOCH: You know, it’s funny when somebody uses minorities for financial gain and job placement and is able to come back and still honor him. And everyone’s OK with that. Like, when has that ever been — like shouldn’t she have been answering questions on the Hill?
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Like you used to pretend it to be something you’re not to get jobs, to get favors?
GUTFELD: Get into school.
MURDOCH: To get elections, you spread your fraud at your voters. They thought —
(CROSSTALK)
MURDOCH: Yes. You — they thought they were voting for someone who is Native-American and was proud of their heritage. And so, in a way isn’t that some form of like crime? But yet she’s — there so facts mean absolutely nothing because there’s no consequences. She can even make jokes about it now. I don’t think the people that were — that lost their jobs or their opportunities because of her playing around with the — with the applications knowing damn well what she was doing.
I don’t think they were laughing. And again, everything comes down to — you look for jokes but the joke in itself as the woke. They do these things. The reason why — you said it on “THE FIVE” too, you like, you know, nobody ever wants to work and merge in anything. They just want to end it and start their own. Why? Because I guarantee you there’s going to be a fact finding committee based on Indigenous People Day.
And there’s going to be committee and there’ll be their buddies who got obviously got to get paid to research to find out just how bad it was. And then they make money, they get stuff, they get speaking engagements or whatever. Boosters, campaign contributions. That’s why they don’t want to merge with nothing. They want to stop it so they can make their own on it.
GUTFELD: Hmm. Kat, they’re coming for Halloween. They might as well just come for your birthday.
TIMPF: Well, that’s the thing. Halloween is always stealing the thunder away from my birthday.
GUTFELD: Oh, so you want Halloween gone?
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Oh, wow. I didn’t see that coming.
TIMPF: We can change it to my birthday, just celebrate it nationally.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
TIMPF: Yes. I just feel for these kids. Like if that’s one day a year that you don’t feel included. You’re doing OK.
GUTFELD: Yes. That’s true. But that’s your problem. I don’t like Halloween, you know.
TIMPF: Yes. For me it was like the only time they couldn’t see who I was.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: For me, it was the only time I was OK.
GUTFELD: Oh. Everybody feels bad now.
TIMPF: Yes. No, it’s — I’ve moved on. Yes, I mean, it’s obviously absurd. But everything will be canceled.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: At some point. We’re all just sit there.
GUTFELD: Yes. And I’ve been way ahead of that trend, because that’s all I do is sit, Joey.
TIMPF: That’s true.
GUTFELD: It’s all I do.
JONES: Well, listen, my mama didn’t let me celebrate Halloween. So I have some childhood trauma from this.
GUTFELD: Really?
JONES: But thankfully, my dad was super cool. So he kept a werewolf mask in the toolbox in his truck 365 days a year so that he could take me to my grandparents on Halloween. And we would go out trick or treat, trick or treat and so I’ve been like that overall is on one day. So it’s redneck werewolf. I have Ninja Turtle pajamas on one day, one Halloween. So I was Ninja Turtle werewolf. Like I’ve been every version of a werewolf for Halloween you could think of.
And just let me say, let the kids celebrate Halloween because my mama would give me all of those Halloweens for all the heathen things she thinks or knows that I do now. Like if she would have just let me have Halloween.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: I’d probably be preaching somewhere. But, you know, instead, I borrowed this shirt from Elizabeth Warren to come on this show and drop F bombs.
GUTFELD: And on that note —
MURDOCH: Very New Mexico of you.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is. Up next, she made learning a bummer and flies to Ukraine to make them dumber.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Welcome back. The head of our teachers’ union finds another country to ruin. Yes, she flushed your kid’s brain down the drain, then she took a plane to Ukraine. True, around the world she roams, while keeping your kids trapped at home. Left-wing stooge, Randi Weingarten, the President of the American Federation of Teachers, traveled to Ukraine to meet with students and teachers displaced by the war. Which raises the question, haven’t these Ukrainians suffered enough? Once again, once again, she proves that wherever kids aren’t learning, she’s there.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RANDI WEINGARTEN, PRESIDENT, AMERICAN FEDERATION OF TEACHERS: We’ve made a decision that we’re going to go to Lviv and talk to the union leaders there and that we’re not going to let Putin get away with terrorizing people. The schools are closed. Children are learning remotely or in bunkers right now.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: OK. Don’t say it. OK. Now, she’s not going to let Putin get away with terrorizing people. What is she planning to do? Ruin Russia’s education system too? Send him critical race thinking? Don’t laugh, Putin, she can single handedly erase a decade of learning in mere months.
So, Randi is concerned about Ukrainian students who are learning online but here in America where students were stuck at home for over a year at her behest. She’s got no problem with that. I remember, she’s the same lady who tweeted a picture holding an upside-down Ukrainian flag. To be fair, though, she was trying to put it over a child’s face. Still, still an upside-down flag can be a sign of distress.
All right, Tyrus. Of course, we’re worried about the kids in Ukraine. But what the (BLEEP) is she doing over there? You got a problem.
MURDOCH: No, because, she’s so woke. She forgot his day with Putin. She’s going to go over there and tell them to keep the kids at home.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: All our buildings are blowing up.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Oh. Well, can you still go home? Like she has no clue.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Absolutely. No clue. It’s probably a good thing that we get a break. She should go on the world tour.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Just, just go. Just go. Because she has no clue. The pandemic is still happening. There’s another virus coming. Megatron 47 is coming, and we have to be ready. But she’s going off to get Putin.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: And went to the wrong place to get him.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: He’s not in Ukraine. He wants to be, but he’s not there now.
GUTFELD: Joey, is Ukraine being used as a reputation enhancer? I know like Chris Cuomo went there a couple of months ago. Is this like, um, if I go there just makes me seem like a better person.
JONES: I don’t know. Listen, to her credit, rockets actually can hurt kids, unlike the virus, she kept them away for a while.
GUTFELD: Oh, yes, that’s true. Took me a while.
JONES: But —
MURDOCH: That’s what you want with rockets, to go over your head.
JONES: You definitely don’t want them under your feet. They’re much better over your head than under your feet. (INAUDIBLE) astronaut for 4.8 seconds. This might be the dumbest (BLEEP) I’ve seen in a while and we just covered a guy with John (BLEEP) got to it, because she actually has a purpose here, like she should actually — she actually has a job. I have people in my family, who are principals and work in school administrative offices and are teachers. A teachers’ union can be a good thing. But today it is not.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: Today is a terrible thing.
GUTFELD: She’s managed to make teachers who you loved growing up to be unpopular. Like it’s like —
JONES: Which is crazy.
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s nuts. It used to be, they used to — oh, they’re so great, you’d always have your favorite second grade teacher. And now, it’s like you just think you just think they’re awful now because of the union, and the unions don’t represent the teachers. Mercedes, does she have any business being there?
SCHLAPP: No. Teachers need to run away as quickly as possible from the teachers’ unions, and she has no business being there. This Randi woman looks more like Angela Merkel, like the German, former German Chancellor. She’s trying to become this almost like ambassador for these children in Ukraine, where she can’t even manage or speak up for the children in America.
She has forgotten the children in America. She has abandoned parents here in the U.S. She has no business being in Ukraine, quite frankly, she has no business leading the teachers’ union here in the United States. They need an overhaul on the teachers’ unions, where the parents’ rights, and the children’s right are the priority.
GUTFELD: Kat, not only that you have no business being there. She has no business having such a fun last name. Like I hear Weingarten, I get excited. You know, sitting on a park bench in the back.
JONES: Like a classy beer garden?
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s a classy beer guard. But then, you see her, you go that’s no wine garden, not even close.
TIMPF: All right.
GUTFELD: You know what I mean?
TIMPF: I don’t know, maybe honestly, what we’ve been missing in this whole global conflict has been an assessment of the situation — Randi Weingarten. I mean, she called, she called the missile strikes disgusting, so that was a pretty bold take.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: She’s like I’m going to assess the situation. You know, you’re, you’re not — like what like, what are you going to offer? This is bad.
GUTFELD: Who do you — who is she reporting back to?
TIMPF: Listen, everybody, I decided this, not good. You don’t need to go there to do that. It’s obviously for attention. She’s trying to rehab her image, which is also like why does she have a publicist, and I don’t?
GUTFELD: I know. Exactly. Exactly. You need it more than she does.
TIMPF: No kidding.
GUTFELD: Oh, God, you’re, you’re —
TIMPF: That’s not true, actually.
GUTFELD: Your private life is all over the Web, and it’s disgusting.
TIMPF: Actually, it isn’t. You think I’d be sitting right here?
GUTFELD: I don’t even know what that means.
TIMPF: I don’t know. You guys, OK?
GUTFELD: All right. We got to move on to my favorite topic. Coming up, Madonna’s face is so off kilter, fans are praying that it’s a filter.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Welcome back. Does the singer of “Material Girl” make you want to hurl? She sang like a virgin and needs to fire her plastic surgeon? Yes, the woman who sang “Vogue” met a doctor who went rogue. She once sang “Papa Don’t Preach,” but her new face is a reach. She belted out “Into the Groove,” but now her face won’t move. But maybe we shouldn’t care about the woman behind like a prayer. Yes, it’s time for —
ANNOUNCER: “WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO YOUR FACE?”
GUTFELD: We can do this every week. Madonna recently posted a video on Instagram that had people saying, wow Marilyn Manson has really let himself go. Pretty close, right? Many people asked what she’d done to make herself look so scary. Of course, you wouldn’t say that to her face. But if you did, her face wouldn’t feel it. Rather said that those people were being mean and to leave Madonna alone.
As for me, I just politely expressed concern that she may have been attacked by an angry storm of bees, is it’s too delirious to seek proper medical treatment. Not that I care but at this stage, if Madonna saw a ray of light, she should probably walk toward it.
MURDOCH: Damn!
GUTFELD: Oh, stop it, you people. And at least she won’t be crying for Argentina because she can’t. Mercedes, in the greenroom, you said, you thought you liked how she looked?
SCHLAPP: Really, really?
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s what you said.
SCHLAPP: You did? Did you tape me?
GUTFELD: I recorded it. You’re on my phone —
SCHLAPP: You did record, huh?
GUTFELD: Yes, let’s play it. Oh, I’m locked out.
SCHLAPP: You know, she just looks like Kim Kardashian to me. It’s so disturbing.
GUTFELD: Why do you think that, like, I think it’s a sign that you don’t have any best friends or close friends to somebody to tell you that like, look, you’re going too far. Because like, nobody’s, nobody’s telling her like, you’re now insane.
SCHLAPP: Greg, you’re telling her, so you want, really want to be her close friend.
GUTFELD: I’m her best friend.
SCHLAPP: That’s what I’m thinking.
GUTFELD: I’m her best friend.
SCHLAPP: I think you need to call her up and just say: Madonna, no more.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SCHLAPP: OK.
GUTFELD: You know how many times I’ve said that to her?
MURDOCH: A lot.
GUTFELD: Thank you. I got a little applause out of that, very little. Kat, why do you this? I mean, you can see, you’re, you’re in your late 40s right now.
TIMPF: I’m so glad you can still get people to laugh at that joke somehow.
GUTFELD: But, but you can see, but what — at what point do you no longer see that? Like, she can’t see that?
TIMPF: No, I get it. Look, I love Madonna. And people would criticize her no matter what. She’s an older woman. If she didn’t do this to her face, and she just kept it natural, people would be in her comment section, section and be like: eww, you’re so old. Look all your gross wrinkles. You’re so old. And they go on George Clooney’s page and be like, you’re so hot and you’re so brave for you know choosing a wife that’s only 17 years younger than you are. So, it doesn’t matter. You’re a woman, you’ll get older, people will talk about you if you put your face or if you don’t.
JONES: With all due respect, you could all talk about Dolly Parton.
GUTFELD: No, they don’t.
TIMPF: Yes, but (INAUDIBLE) one other person, nobody does.
GUTFELD: Angela Lansbury. Don’t do you say anything about her.
MURDOCH: Rest her soul.
JONES: Listen, I’m not mad at Madonna for doing whatever she did to her face. Like it’s odd and weird, but we, I mean, like the, the, like she said the Kardashians and are the other ones named Jenner, right? That’s right. Yes, the Jenners, like they have made billions of dollars off of essentially making themselves, I guess look better. I make, not millions of dollars, by strapping on robot legs every day. So, listen, you’re who you are. But, but that Tom Shillue could recreate that on a good skit.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: That was a very transformative look. And I don’t, I think people get to say something about it.
GUTFELD: What if we’re all wrong, Tyrus, and that she’s discovered the way we’re supposed to look?
MURDOCH: OK, no matter what you say?
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: So, I’m looking at the picture, right. And it just, I knew something was missing, but then I found it. The mole she used to have on her lip right here, it’s now on her forehead.
GUTFELD: It tried to escape. It tried to escape.
MURDOCH: I mean, that’s a lot of pull back. Remember she had that cute little mole right there?
SCHLAPP: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: No, it’s on her forehead. All right. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Angela Lansbury, though, man, rest in peace.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: She had me. She had me a bed knobs and broom sticks, man.
GUTFELD: You know, as I was saying in the break that she played Lawrence Harvey’s mother in 1962. Lawrence Har — that was in the Manchurian Candidate, the better version and the original version. But that’s incredible, she played, she played basically like — that would technically would make her 120 right now, but she was, she’s 96.
MURDOCH: I lived in her house in Burbank, California and only knew that because her name was on everything. She really like —
GUTFELD: Was she there at the time?
MURDOCH: No. I didn’t get an old lady, so I got here. Oh, I get the hugs from y’all, don’t act like I can’t hear. All right. I’m in enough bucket list to know what my base is now.
GUTFELD: Yes. And it would be a bucket, wouldn’t it? I don’t even know what that means. You can just say anything that sounds bad. OK. Up next, an updated list of baldies you can’t resist.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: “A STORY IN FIVE WORDS”
GUTFELD: A story in five words: The hottest bald men announced. All right, Kat, a study found that the top five hottest bald men are: Vin Diesel, Stanley Tucci, Shemar Moore, Pit Bull, and Jesse Watters. I’m kidding. Or am I not? Because he actually, you know, he fixed that so good for him. So, tell me how sexist this is?
TIMPF: I mean, yes, of course, everything is sexist. But Prince William is also not hot at all. He’s not. No, he’s just a prince. I swear to you, if he was an accountant, and he was at a bar, asking girls: Hey — like, all of them would be like, I have a boyfriend. He’s not a hot guy. He’s a, he’s a prince and I’m not so like, he wins, but he’s not hot.
GUTFELD: I’d rather be Prince, than a prince.
TIMPF: Yes.
MURDOCH: Well, not Prince right now though, right?
GUTFELD: No. Well, I don’t know. He could be —
MURDOCH: He’s dead.
GUTFELD: That’s right. I forgot.
MURDOCH: Rest his soul.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: I carried him.
GUTFELD: You did carry him. I read that in your book.
MURDOCH: I would have dropped Vin Diesel, though.
GUTFELD: Yes, you would have. Don’t you — I don’t even have a question for you, Tyrus.
MURDOCH: Who picked these fools?
GUTFELD: I don’t know.
MURDOCH: Seriously, they need to come forward and show themselves, like this is ridiculous. I’ll give — I mean, Pit Bull, he looks like you wouldn’t let him near your daughter. The Prince looks like a shady lawyer that keeps spinning your retainer. And Diesel like this — I mean, I got beef with him going way back anyways, man. I quit my first job in the summertime because I had a part in this movie called “Saving Private Ryan.”
So, I told him when I was an actor, and basically did went out like kiss my ass. I’m out at work. I quit. And then some dude sent some awesome monologue we played like eight different characters, and his name was Vin Diesel, and he got to be the guy that got shot, and I had to go back to my job. Well, it wasn’t my job anymore. They gave it to somebody else. But of course, it was Vin Diesel’s fault.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: That’s true. These aren’t the hottest bald guys. The hottest bald guys are the ones wearing a hat.
SCHLAPP: There you go.
GUTFELD: Awful, Mercedes. That’s sexist.
SCHLAPP: There it is.
MURDOCH: And I’m not even technically bald.
SCHLAPP: Well, according to Prince William, you are because principally who has some hair but they still make, makes — he still makes for the hottest bald man. I mean, seriously? I mean, shouldn’t it be like partial baldness? I mean, quite frankly, I’m more into the men with white hair. So, like my husband would definitely get —
MURDOCH: Like Santa Claus?
SCHLAPP: No, my husband would get the hottest guy with white hair. That’s a new one. Hands down.
MURDOCH: I mean, his hair is like Afghanistan, it’s bombed down and depleted.
SCHLAPP: It is that. There’s products for that called Rogaine and it works so he should try it out, I think.
JONES: Thinking I’m getting bombed in Afghanistan. I know where you go —
MURDOCH: You know, kept your hair, though.
GUTFELD: Yes.
JONES: I kept the pretty part. The legs were —
MURDOCH: How would you — we tight. We can —
GUTFELD: There are no women on this list. I think that’s sexist. No non- binary individuals. Sexist.
JONES: You know whatever thing that comes to mind when you said that will get me in trouble. So, I’ll say something that will get me in trouble. When I joined the Marine Corps, I went through boot camp. They shaved your head into a (INAUDIBLE) tight, regardless if you want one or not — doesn’t matter. If you shaved your head bald, they’ll make you wait to you and grow enough hair for them to come back and shave it.
Like it’s, you know, the Marine Corps is going to get there no matter what. And I had this drill instructor, Gunnery Sergeant Selis, and he like shaved his arms and he was like a swim qual guy. And he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my life until he took his smokey beard off and he was bald headed and he looked like it (BLEEP) with ears. And so, it’s a guy —
GUTFELD: I, you know, we have a lot of bald viewers and they’re going to be very upset with that.
JONES: Well, that’s not my point is it just doesn’t work for everyone and I don’t think hair would work for Vin Diesel. So, I’m happy he’s on the list.
GUTFELD: Well, we’re happy for everybody, especially me, then we’d a big plate of fried chicken after this show. Can’t wait. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We’re out of time. Thanks to Johnny “Joey” Jones, Mercedes Schlapp, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with Dreamy Trace Gallagher is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you America. I do.
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